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Actual Quotes From Federal Perfomance Evaluations
1. “Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “Whenever she opens her mouth, it seems that this is really only to change whatever foot was previously there.”
7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle.”
8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
9. “This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.”
10. “She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
11. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
12. “Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
13. “Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”
14. “A room temperature IQ.”
15. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
16. “A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a regular ignoramus.”
17. “A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on.”
18. “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
19. “Bright as Alaska in December.”
20. “One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.”
21. “Donated his brain to science before he was through with it”
22. “Fell out of the family tree.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “Has two brains; one is lost, the other is out looking for it.”
25. “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”
26. “If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”
27. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
28. “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
29. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
30. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
31. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
32. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”
33. “Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 Minutes.”
34. “Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.”
35. “Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
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